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I used to look like this. Sad, huh? Hair loss was really getting me down. My wife wasn’t as interested, my co-workers treated me like the old man of the office, and I got more and more shy about leaving the house.

But what could I do?

Wigs and toupees look stupid, and hair restoration is too expensive. But I couldn’t go on like that. That’s why I took Vanerex, and, boy, did everything change.

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This stuff could grow hair on a bowling ball, and I know cause I tried! Don’t let old age take you over. Try Vanerex!

vanarex-commercial

(30 second commercial)

Brett Favre Wrangler Dog

You’ve been around the block a few times. You’re no young buck. You know what you’re doing, and everybody knows it.

You don’t need new fancy jeans. You just need something to cover your butt.

Timeless Quality. Ageless class. Wrangler.

(30 second commercial)

mens-wearhouse

C’mon. You dress like a bum. When you walk down the street, homeless people give you change. When you take your hat off, people put money in it. You look bad.

How is anyone supposed to take you seriously, when all you do in lounge around in your favorite pair of jeans? You look like someone who has too many dogs and beats his wife. At Men’s Wearhouse, we make you look good.

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This is how men should look. Powerful. Wealthy. That’s Men Wearhouse.

(15 second break)

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The 2013 Obesity Olympics. Brought to you by ESPN 8, the Ocho!

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(30 second commercial break)

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This is a sandwich for a man. What else are you gonna eat, a salad? C’mon.

Half a pound of bacon, two pounds of Angus Beef, our special marinated and smoked roast beef, fried onions and special sauce over four slices of cheese so American, that it doesn’t want to be on the same plate as French fries.

This is how men eat. Only at Hardees.

Hardees

(30 second commercial break)

Crossfit-Logo

You’re fat. Look at you. Fat and slow. What’s wrong fatty? Too fat. Well, let us rip you into shape at Crossfit. We have 45 programs designed to get you off and running. Literally.

You should look like this.

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If you don’t, your wife is going to leave you for someone who looks like that. Why would she stay with you? You eat fast food all the time, never go anywhere. But here, you could do pullups. And you could sweat.

Crossfit for $29.99 a month, the lowest price we’ve ever had. Because everyone we see is fat and ugly. And we’ve got to do something about that.

(back to NY studio in 10 seconds after station identification)

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“Back to our NYC studios with Jim Brown and Caroline Rhea!”

Jim: I am so confused.

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