The Hague, Netherlands
Tyra Banks here, from the Hague in South Holland. Where else but here, in the city known for international judgement, could we have the taunting portion of the obesity games? I’m here with the master of the insult Don Rickles. Don?
Don: Thank you, Tyra. It’s common knowledge that fat guys don’t get real girls unless they’ve got Kimdotcom money. That causes them to become unrealistically hard on women’s looks, to compensate for their rejection by society. Take Tyra’s forehead, for instance, the last time I saw a space like that, they were showing a movie on it. But who’s looking at her face?
Tyra: Ha, ha! It’s true, Don. I’m like Rihanna if she had a body.
Don: No one can cut a woman down to size like a fat guy, and in this event, we have the world’s best taunters all in one room. The odds on favorite, is New York’s Crab Kelly. Even when he misses on a joke, his delivery gets him through. And he doesn’t miss much.
He hasn’t been on a date since middle school, and as far as well can tell, his entire wardrobe is sweatpants. He’s going to be tough to beat.
Tyra: I think we’re ready. Let’s put up the first picture.
Don: Actress Janina Gavankar combines divine exotic beauty with intelligence and humor. Putting her with a fat guy is like giving Muhammad Ali a Bugatti – its just a waste. If you met a woman like this in real life, you would spontaneously combust. Let’s see what these guys can do here.
Dale Hendrix (USA): She looks like the kind of person that works in your office and keeps microwaving curry every day. You can’t get that smell out of anything. Maybe that’s how they invented mustard gas.
Don: They’re starting smart, if not strong. Race is always a great go-to. Plenty of stereotypes to work.
Magnus Ulrichsson (DEN): How big is her head? Is this picture accurate? If she headbutted you, it would kill you. It would be like CSI or something. Like they’d have your body on the table, and they’d be trying to figure out if someone dropped a bowling ball on your head from a three story window, and then someone would see her picture and the whole case would be solved.
Ian Holmes (UK): Cor Blimey! I’m the Governor.
Don: And… the British guy is drunk. He’s gotten into a fight with an random Irish fan in the audience.
Tyra: I’m sorry, a bit of chaos here, the Afghanistan representative is demanding that Ms. Gavanker cover up her body, as he considers her immodest. We really have no idea what to do with traditional Muslim countries.
????? (AFN): She is tramp! Why is tramp here? She is not worth putting in marriage sack-
“Crab” Kelly: I’m not saying nothing about her, cause I need my computer fixed.
Don: The kid is a natural.
Ichi (JPN): She looks like one of those chicks that will gain a hundred pounds, but her boobs will stay the same size. Not cool.
Don: Now we’re switching to the Master’s category for a moment. Americans aren’t familiar with Italy’s Sabrina Ferilli, which is probably for the best. She’s at least partially responsible for global warming. At this point, she’s almost 50, and let’s be honest, women don’t look like this at that age. Or any age. Let’s see what the contestants do here.
Mario (IT): Bella! Bella!
Tyra: Tough break for the Italian. Couldn’t keep his focus. We’re going to need security, I think.
Stavros (GR): Look at the size of her cheekbones. Those are the biggest cheekbones I’ve ever seen. They’re like a boxer’s cheekbones. It like someone put Mickey Rourke’s cheekbones on Monica Bellucci.
“Crab” Kelly: She’s got Cryptkeeper hands. They look dry too. Like if you gave her lotion and closed your eyes, you could hear her skin drinking.
Riggins (GER): She’s obviously in supernova.
Don: I don’t understand what’s happening here. The Germans usually don’t do well in this catagory. Where is he going with this.
“Crab” Kelly: Supernova? What are you talking about?
Riggins (GER): Let’s say you have a star, like the sun for instance. And its gotten too old. Before it burns out and implodes, it explodes in a really bright burst. The same is true of women.
Don: My God.
Riggin (Ger): Before they completely fall apart, there’s one last burst of beauty. Remember Melanie Griffith? Remember how hot she was in Milk Money? The next year she starts dating Antonio Banderas, and he probably thinks, ‘wow, she looks great for someone pushing 40.’ But she was in supernova. Her looks were shot in two years. Now she looks like W.C. Fields. Supernova.
Tyra: (slow clap)
Don: Brilliant. I think we have an upset in the making. My God, supernova. I think my wife had a supernova. It was about a day after she was born.
???????(AFN): She tramp too? Why you show me tramp?
“Crab” Kelly: Even counting the burqa, she’s still lighter than Wesley Snipes. I tried to tell people he was going to be safe in jail. Once its lights out, how you going to find him?
?????????(AFN): Now we talking! Whoo-hoo! Look at the folds in that burqa! Come with me sweetheart and bear me many children! I will pay your family many goats-
John Taylor (SWI): I know nothing about any of these women physically, and yet they’re a thousand times more compelling than anything I’ve ever seen of Kristen Stewart.
Dale Hendrix (US): If you were working late at the office, and you saw Kristen Stewart in the hallway and you didn’t know she was there before, wouldn’t that scare the crap out of you?
Stavros (GR): Her and Selma Blair look like grown versions of the ghost twins from The Shining.
Dale Hendrix (US): Have you ever seen anyone that looks miserable more consistently than Selma Blair?
“Crab” Kelly: Right now? Yeah. Mitt Romney. Heh.
Don: We’re going to break for a commercial here. But this might be the biggest upset of the Olympics. Germany is leading here, if you ask me.