Jim: Disappointing. I really thought the supernova argument was a game-breaker. And my man Crab still did his thing.
Caroline: They’ll be talking about that for a while, Jim. Now let’s kick it out to Buffalo, New York and Katie Couric!
Hello folks, this is Katie Couric here covering the strength events being held in snowy Buffalo, New York. I’m wearing a warm jacket, and hoping for an even hotter ratings bump.
Many people were curious why I wanted to cover the strength events. Most of them have never seen my biceps.
I’m joined by legendary singer Engelbert Humperdinck, well known throughout show business for his surprising strength.
Engelbert: You’re very kind, Katie. The Obesity Olympics is unique among sports tournaments and it shows up again here. Competitors are expected to perform a heavy lift, and immediately after that compete in a Buffalo chicken wing eating contest. Both aspects are scored and then compiled into a cumulative overall score. It’s known as the Epicurean lift and it should be interesting.
Ah, Katie, the irony. When I think of all the street urchins in my native India, begging to sup on a scrap of trash, and here we are in America with these mammoths next to mountains of chicken wings… ha, ha ha!
Katie: On the floor for us is former champion strongman and powerlifter Bill Kazmaier. Bill?
Bill: Can I see your guns again?
Bill: Amazing. And to think we thought you were perky for years. Bill Kazmaier here in Buffalo New York, the home of the Buffalo wing, and boy are we going to see plenty of them. Each competitor is going to push himself by performing a heavy lift and then winning an eating contest… or vice versa.
I know weights, guys. These competitors are going to be put through the ultimate ordeal just to maintain their basic dignity. I want to talk to today’s favorite, Igor Ignatius.
Bill: My God. You are literally too large to speak.
Igor: Diddilly Po.
Bill: Maybe we’ll cut you a blowhole so you can communicate with the outside world. Just kidding! Heh, heh. He’s large, folks.
Engelbert: That’s Bill, with some forced jocularity before the event, but now I think we’re ready to go. The competitors are getting ready to start their lifts. We begin with the deadlift.
Katie: Our first competitor is Evan “Snuggles” Ross. Snuggles?
Bill: I understand Ross did some Federal time for duplicating VHS tapes without permission, and he picked up the nickname there. Strong looking guy though.
Katie: And the bar is up-
Engelbert: Do you have any idea what you signed up for? Ah, it reminds of my native India. I remember this contest we had where we took prisoners and put them neck deep in raw sewage-
Katie: Its now time for the eating portion and… God that’s awful. Its like watching a vulture devour a carcass.
Bill: It reminds me of my wedding night! Ha, ha, ha, I’m affable!
Engelbert: Well that’s why there’s straw on the floor.