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Like any sequel, this batch of stories was more over the top than the last. Its like some virus that mutated and is resistant to antibiotics.

“I told a guy that I wouldn’t sleep with him after he insinuated that that was next on the agenda and he not only cursed me out in public and left but then blew up my phone both calling and texting and then got home and blew up my IM. I had to turn off my phone and sign out of IM and take him off my MySpace…..then six months later he requested me and sent a message saying he was sorry for overreacting and would love to see me again. I replied saying that I still wouldn’t sleep with him and he cursed me out all over again for like three days.”

A lot of these stories seem to be guys on their Glen Quagmire. A lot of these stories feature men getting badly rejected. I think there’s a correlation.

“After moving to Philadelphia I ran into an ex. We’d “talked” 10 years earlier but nothing came of the relationship because (a) we were young and (b) I was living half-way across the country. As much as I wanted things to work out I should’ve known that a long-distance relationship at the age of 20 was not very promising. I thought things were going well until I got a voice mail one day from my best friend stating that the guy I had been talking to was engaged! We’d been talking for six months but maybe that’s all it was for him…just talking. Well the “talking” stopped of course, he got married, and our lives went on.

Fast forward 10 years later and here I am in Philly when I run into him again except this time he’s now divorced. Despite what happened in the past (it was all so long ago), we were able to pick up where we left off… and after a couple of months we started dating.

Things were moving along quite well. I was enjoying Sunday dinner every week at his parent’s home. After he’d come I’d gone on two vacations (to the Poconos and a Caribbean cruise) with his entire family. His parents adored me and I loved them. Everything was falling into place. In fact,he traveled with me back to my home town to meet my father and two brothers (he’d already met my mom). That’s when he asked my father for his permission to marry me.

I was ecstatic! He told me afterwards that he’d spoken to my father and my dad told me of the conversation too. He wanted to do things the “right” way and was traditional in that respect which I absolutely adored. He wanted my dad’s permission before formally proposing to me so I expected it would happen soon. Especially since one day he gave me a freebie t-shirt he’d gotten from Helzberg Diamonds.

A few weeks later we went to a jeweler so that he could see what kind of rings I liked. I’ll never forget the sales woman who told him how lucky he was that I wasn’t a picky woman (or maybe that was just her savvy salesmanship). He’d also visited a travel agency and brought back a brochure that described every single island in the Caribbean. He told me to pick any island I wanted to go to for the honeymoon. He did all of these things on his own without any prodding from me. It was finally happening for me…I started planning a wedding. Looking at dresses, researching reception halls and caterers, and drafting the guest list.

Then about three months later (from the time he asked for my dad’s permission) he stopped calling, didn’t return messages, didn’t come to Sunday dinner regularly, and we didn’t go out on dates anymore. All of a sudden it all stopped and I had no idea why. Things were going so well so I was utterly confused. We finally had a heart-to-heart sit down talk (no screaming or yelling or name calling)…a respectful discussion in which he tried to explain why things had gone “cold”. I never felt completely satisfied with his response; he didn’t want to be married.

I ran into him a few months ago. He was with someone else and I was okay.”

Wow. I’ve focusing on dating stories in a single date, but this is more of a slow burn. Marriage? Really? That’s not a concept you just casually introduce with a woman. Yet again someone blows numerous chances. Also, if his family fell in love with this girl, he will NEVER hear the end of it.

“So, I was asked out on a date by a gorgeous black man who was gainfully employed, no children, and beyond charming. He was 6’5”, long braided hair, and had a huge Hellboy tattoo on his back. He was a light-skinned Conan with a sensitive side.

He took me to dinner at North on Third in Old City. There was a live band and we danced for three hours until they were ready to close. We walked along Boathouse Row and watched the lights reflect along the water. It was the most romantic date I had ever been on and I thought it was the beginning of something special. He was an excellent conversationalist and we had so much in common. I was also impressed because he never broached the subject of carnal pleasures. I was smitten! After the date we spent a week talking until the wee hours of the morning, always ending with, “You hang up.” I would reply with a girlish giggle, “No, you hang up FIRST.” It was beautiful.

Fast forward a week later.

I was lying in the bed and around ten p.m. my phone rings. I had assigned h the ringtone “I want to be your man” by Zapp. Yes, I was digging this guy.

Me: “Hey Baby.”

Voice: ”Is this [redacted]?”

Me: (stuttering) “Y-yes. Who is this?”

Voice: “THIS IS RONNIE, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO MAN UNTIL 4AM EVERYNIGHT!!!”

Ronnie. Ronald. It took me a minute to process that a man was on my phone asking why I was talking to his boyfriend. I was blindsided. I was speechless. I didn’t say one word as Ronnie proceeded to berate and verbally abuse me, stating he had been away on business and that there was no possible way his man wanted FISH (his exact words). I told him I had no idea who he was and that when I had been to my potential boyfriend’s house, there were no pictures up and no indication that he was involved in a relationship with anyone. I also pleaded my case that we had only kissed and never even talked about consummation. Ronnie told me to lose his boo’s phone number. He cursed me out better than any female ever could.  Point made, done deal.

Fast forward three hours later.

Still lying in bed and it’s around one a.m. and my phone rings again. I forgot to take the ringtone off! Anyway, Ronnie’s man was on the line begging me to understand that he truly liked me and that he was confused. I don’t have time to help someone figure out which team they wanted to be on so I called him everything but a child of God and hung up.


She might have been better off actually dating Hellboy. She likes cats too!! And Hellboy actually likes girls. Like… all the time.

“So I met this guy at work, and he asked me out on a date. We went out to a night club and he showed up in latex pants and a checkered shirt. (Yellow card!) He was into the dancing more than me, so I was just watching for a bit and noticed that he had quite the large behind but couldn’t figure out what he had stuffed under his pants.

After the club we went back to my apartment for a night cap, and when I got up to get us a drink, I returned to him [redacted] himself on my couch. I was shocked and asked him what he was doing, and he said he had to “practice to make it stronger” and he did this every half hour (explaining the frequent bathroom trips at the club….). (Red card!)

After I was able to pick my jaw up off the ground, he proceeded to tell me that we needed to discuss what was going to happen that night (only in his mind-he wasn’t getting any!). He told me he wanted a girl that would act out his fantasy- so he pulls down his pants and he was wearing a diaper.

He said he wanted me to tie him up, blind fold him, and put him in my closet. He wanted me to change his diaper and breast feed him (as I was not current lactating… he said I could pretend and feed him out of a bottle that was in his car!). He was hoping that we could start playing for just a short time, and then move up to 3 days at a time where he would be bound in the closet. I literally kicked him out at that moment. I swear every word is true.”

I have had plenty of time to prepare for this and I still have nothing to say. I don’t know if this will ever be topped, nor should it. That is really something you have to ease on a person over a period of time, you can’t just show up on a first date dressed like Baby Huey. Wow.

 

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