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The Academy Awards came on last night, and for some reason I was sober enough to watch the whole thing. What follows are a few of my thoughts about that telecast, and award season in general:

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–Let’s face it: musicals are shit. However, Anne Hathaway definitely deserved the best supporting actress award. While only in Les Miserables for around 30 min., she managed to steal the show. Her performance as Fantine was the very definition of a powerful performance in a small role. Also, since there was no shot that she would get it for The Dark Knight Rises, this was the perfect way to top off the huge year for her.

–The same thing can be said for Jennifer Lawrence, who got her 1st Oscar and killed in The Hunger Games. Adding to her awesome appeal: she fell up the stairs and laughed it off.

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Stay classy.

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–Seriously, is there really any way anyone’s ever going to beat Daniel Day-Lewis at the Oscars? After tonight’s record third win, he will definitely go down in history as the greatest actor that ever lived–at least when it comes time for awards season. (Seriously dude, would it kill you to just make one for them? I have got to see this guy in an action flick.)

One quick casting change, and this shit circus would have been eminently more watchable.

One quick casting change, and this shit circus would have been eminently more watchable.

–Seth McFarlane sucked donkey balls. The Academy Awards producers should stop catering to the younger demographic and bring back universally likable hosts to take the helm of this already too long and drawn-out ceremony. Don’t bring in the most controversial hack that Tinseltown has to offer and give him that honor. (I’m a family Guy fan, but come on.)

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler showed us how to do this, son.

–Ben Affleck got hosed, man. (Am I saying that too much?)

–Skyfall. Adele. No-brainer.

–While it was good to see Tarantino, one of my favorite moviemakers, getting recognized once again by the Academy, Django Unchained was not the movie he should have gotten his due for. (For my money, it’s Jackie Brown.)

–I’m not going to say this again, but come on: Ang Lee? Really? Ben Affleck got hosed, man.

–I would remark about the lack of films of color recognized by the Academy, but every time a movie of color is recognized, it happens to be one that I don’t like, and which caters to some of the most base stereotypes about African Americans. Still, it was nice to see Beasts of the Southern Wild getting recognized, even if it’s subjects were a little rough around the edges. (It never really had a shot to win, so no outrage when it did not.)

–When Life of Pi’s visual effects supervisor was played off by the Jaws theme while he was lamenting the fact that that Academy award-winning visual effects team is now unemployed, I literally fell out of my chair. I half expected to see the Sandman hook him by the neck and literally drag him off stage, lest he remind the beautiful people in attendance that there is still suffering out there.

-Zero Dark Thirty walking away with squat (Sound Editing is a booby prize) was no surprise. No one’s gonna give awards to a film that makes it seem like torture is OK.

-Michelle Obama announcing best picture was the definition of awesome sauce. (Also, I immediately regret that word choice.)

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–Since you already know my thesis, I will simply say this: there has to be something more to Ben Affleck’s snubbing then meets the eye.

You think you're going home to this, and getting an Oscar too? Fuck that.

“You think you’re going home to this, and getting an Oscar too? Fuck that.”
Hawk Koch, President of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

When a man literally kills and blows away expectations- as Affleck has done since he stepped into the director’s chair-he deserves to be forgiven for any craptastic movies he made during his career in front of the camera. I don’t know what the Academy was smoking, but the fact that they recognized Argo in every single category except director tells me only one thing: BEN AFFLECK GOT HOSED, MAN!

Still, 3 things remain true about Mr. Affleck:
1. He directed the hell out of that movie.
2. He will direct the hell out of many more.

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3. He was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

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