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The first state that came to mind was Arizona. I did not know that when Gawker did their list of the Worst 50 States, Arizona came in dead last. If that isn’t fate, I don’t know what is.

credit Olivia Fontana

credit Olivia Fontana

Let’s start with the positive. I’ve been to Arizona and its beautiful. I mean really impressive. I found the people in the Phoenix and Scotsdale area to be delightful and the infamous weather is dry heat which I thought was quite pleasant. Sandra Day ‘O Conner, Cesar Chavez, Frank Lloyd Wright, Erma Bombeck, Steve Allen, Pat Tillman and most importantly “Superstar” Billy Graham were born in Arizona.

superstar-billy-Grahm

It skews Republican, but so what? I can’t say I gravitate towards John McCain and his Cee-lo Green arms, but that’s not enough to put it on the list.

Arizona is full of crazy. Its a state that encourages gun nuts, who have these guns so that they don’t have to submit to a ‘facist’ government. But they support a local sherriff (Joe Arpaio) who is the textbook example of facist authority in action. Arizona is also full of people that like to argue ‘about the principle of the thing,’ a line that the lousiest people always use repeatedly. Despite being in debt, Arizona is willing to spend hundreds of millions of dollars in legal fees on pointless and unwinnable arguments on contraception, immigration, teachers with accents and guns, guns, guns.

Obama-gun-store

It is within my lifetime that Arizona refused to acknowledge Martin Luther King Day because… because… I don’t why, frankly. After all, Ronald Reagan created the holiday, right? But Arizona dug their heels in (at one point, 76% of the population voted against taking a day off) and didn’t relent until they lost the Super Bowl scheduled in 1993 and roughly $500,000,000.

homer-doh-squaregreen

The nadir of the state, (and this includes a state that interred the Japanese in WWII, and killed Native Americans and then named their cities and towns after them) occured with the infamous SB 1070, a vaguely worded piece of legislation that allowed the police to stop anyone that looked like they didn’t belong. That’s right, the people that bellow about the Constitution every time you suggest that the average citizen doesn’t need a gun that can puncture the ionosphere had no problem with police doing random warantless searches. The effect was catastrophic. The shaky housing market collapsed, labor became scarce and everyone lost money. That wasn’t the plan. The plan was that they could throw Mexicans in jail and make money off of their slave labor.

Also, the state is run by a disingenuous mummy. And the Cardinals suck.

You must not read from the book!

You must not read from the book!

The worst I can say about any population is that they are homogenous. Arizona has way too many bellicose redneck gun nuts and paranoid senior citizens and they are driving everyone nuts. So what are our options?

Poland

Not a bad choice. The Polish still have Buffalo, which seems important somehow. Its an actual democracy, and considering the United States isn’t actually a democracy, that’s pretty cool. Their economy is doing pretty good, and on top of that, premium vodka would get a lot cheaper. The original bass player from Van Halen is Polish. So is Joanna Krupa. Joanna freakin Krupa.

Maxim's Super Bowl Party at the Raleigh Hotel Miami, Florida February 6, 2010

The Phillipines

Another democratic government, because everyone else seems to be a democracy except us. Its a basically a rainforest over some mountains. That sounds kind of weird, but at least its full of cool animals and fruits. The people are the product of the Spanish occupation of an Asian country, and that means they are about as beautiful as you would imagine. Not a bad option here.

I think we'll get pennies on the dollar here, if you know what I mean.

I think we’ll get pennies on the dollar here, if you know what I mean.

Italy

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