Tom hit a nerve with me earlier. There is something devious about hair, or more accurately the lack thereof. Hair is like going into battle to help your French ally and then they quit and talk badly about you while you’re stuck fighting in Vietnam. Hair makes you believe that it’s going to be your buddy forever. Hair makes you think that there are rules, and that the rules make sense. They don’t. You’re told that its genetics, and that if the men in your family have hair, you’ll be fine. Everybody in my family looks like an extra in a Tarzan movie, but somehow there’s a crop circle directly on the top of my skull. There are no rules. I’ve heard it said that hair loss is because of high testosterone. How does that makes sense? Testosterone is what you have when you’re younger. You also have hair when you’re younger. Both things simultaneously seem to abandon you at the same time, and you find yourself balding and tearing up every time you watch Toy Story.Stop lying to me, and telling me that I’m going bald because I’m just too much man. What’s going on is obvious.
I first noticed it with my barber. He produced a small brush and explained that I wasn’t losing my hair, he just wanted to touch up my hairline a little bit. But when I looked in the mirror, he was doing a MINIATURE COMBOVER. I didn’t know how to feel. I looked in the mirror and played Stevie Wonder’s “Lately” a lot. I was still powerful, virile, but my stinking hair was selling me out. I’m a large black guy. If I need to, I can break glass in case of emergency and just go bald. So I did. Suddenly women that ignored me on a habitual basis were finding reasons to walk down my aisle. But the hair couldn’t be happy. It struck back. What no one told me about going bald is that the remaining hairs would grow faster. The less hair you have, the more the other stragglers feel free to reach for the heavens, which means six hours after I shave… I need to shave again. And because black male hair is curly, its not like I can pull an electronic shaver and touch it up, oh no. The process is way more labor intensive. I can either try to Magic Shave, which means I get burns like Freddy if I do it wrong, or I shave it with a razor. If I rush or make a mistake, I look like Steve Buscemi’s Fargo character when he first hits the woodchipper. This sucks.