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The holiday season has finally descended upon us, bringing with it a few welcome and familiar sights and sounds: People trampling over one another to get the latest must have gadget, normally sane individuals donning antlers in broad daylight without fear of ridicule, crowded malls playing non-religious holiday music that makes you want to rip your ears off, and Bill O’Reilly screaming like a madman about the liberal War on Christmas.

…. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Along with all these good tidings of comfort and joy, the holidays are a time when we can sit around the tube with our loved ones, watching classic holiday films. Everyone has a favorite -It’s A Wonderful Life, The Grinch, Scrooge, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Rugrats Kwanzaa Special.

After much deliberation, and thorough review of all the most beloved classic holiday films, I have decided to honor the greatest Christmas movie of them all, the one that has earned a special place in my heart, and whose magic I hope to someday pass on to my own children.

I think you know which one I’m talking about….

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Guess Again.

It’s Die Hard.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Now, before you start to wonder just what LSD tastes like on a candy cane, two things must be taken into account. First, I already ingested all of it, so you can’t prove anything. Second, if you take a close look at Die Hard, its status as a Christmas movie is unquestionable.

First, there’s the time it takes place: Christmas Eve, at a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza. Christmas references are spread throughout, like this one:

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Is there a Santa Claus hat on that corpse? Checkmate.

 

Second, critical acclaim for the film will put any speculation about Die Hard’s legendary status as world’s greatest Christmas movie swiftly to bed. It has a 94% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you were wondering how it stacks up to other classic holiday films, take a look:

Home Alone: 54%
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: 63%
Elf: 84%
Scrooge: 85%
A Christmas Story: 89%
It’s A Wonderful Life: 93%
Die Hard: 94%

Numbers don’t lie, and the numbers say Tiny Tim can suck it.

Now, I know that many of you will say that just because a movie is set at Christmas does not make it a Christmas movie. Well, allow me to slap you across the face with the tinsel-wrapped pimp hand of truth: Most modern holiday classics have nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas.

Let’s take a look at another beloved holiday classic: Home Alone. In this well beloved caper of parental neglect and child abandonment, young Macauley Culkin is left at home for the holidays, and has to do battle with a pair of incompetent burglars. in the end, he learns to appreciate his family more, and not to judge people based on appearance (A lesson he quickly forgot by the 2nd film). That’s all fine and good, but here’s a question: what part of that movie could not just as easily have been done during summer break?

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Oh, no, he’s on to us!

Whether it’s the setting of a sappy romance, an excuse for comedic hijinks, or whatever the hell Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing with Sinbad, Christmas is usually window dressing for a standard Hollywood movie plot. If that’s the case, you might as well have the one thing that can make any movie better – gunfire and explosions.

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And that, Charlie Brown, is what awesome is all about.

Yippie ki yay, motherfuckers. Yippie ki yay, everyone.

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