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I was waiting at a doctor’s office and they were playing Everyone Loves Raymond, which I was barely paying attention to. In it, Raymond’s brother finally finds the perfect girl. She’s pretty, has a great career, gets along with his family, displays charm, intelligence, and somehow is utterly enamored with Brad Garrett.

Hello ladies?

Hello ladies?

However, at one point a fly interrupts dinner (which she disposes of) and Raymond surreptitiously sees her eat the fly.

Dealbreakers 3

No one believes him, but when he goes to her place for coffee later (totally not coffee) he realizes that she LOVES frogs. She has frogs as pets, she has frog dollies, you get the idea. Garrett climbs out of the window into the rain, and then she steps into the bedroom.

Dealbreaker 7

When he finally addresses the issue, she looks at him and says, “You know, we all descended from frogs.”

He flees immediately.

Sure she's smart and pretty but she likes frogs. Frogs.

Sure she’s smart and pretty but she likes frogs. Frogs.

At this point I was called over by the attendant who asked me what had happened as he had missed the episode.

“That is not a dealbreaker,” he said. “I’ve dated some crazy women.”

I agreed. Its not a dealbreaker.

Let’s be fair, if it was me, and that woman ate a fly, I would be alarmed. But I would not storm off without an explanation. There are a lot of crazy women out there. At least I know this woman’s crazy and it’s not hurting anyone. There’s  room to negotiate. Maybe we could cut out the fly eating, and maybe 60% of her animals, in exchange for me tapering my weekly comic book haul, and riding my bicycle more.

It’s a result of getting older, I suppose. I understand that most people need a lot more understanding than they ever did. Also as a result of getting older, I need more understanding than I ever did.

I had an acquaintance that was a wanna be rapper (he was actually pretty good). We went to a party and he showed up with his girlfriend, an attractive Latina that seemed pleasant, but a touch shy. She was cold, and had her hands buried in a baseball jacket.

Actually, no.

I went to shake her hand, and as my fingers wrapped around her hand, my subconscious started to tell me that something was very wrong. She had a flipper. There was this part of my mind that completely freaked out, but outwardly I was calm. (You cannot just drop that on a person. You have to let me prepare for that. Seriously.) The rest of the night, she was completely cool.

It was kinda like this.

It was kinda like this.

My co-workers were weirded out, but I didn’t know how to call it. Is a flipper a dealbreaker? What if she’s a great person? Is it wrong to reject a person because of a flipper and no other reason? Aren’t there other people out there with problems at least as bad as a flipper?

Let’s say you’re in a relationship, and she has kids, and the kids are badly behaved. Or their dads are in your life, and there’s a lot of drama. Is that better than a drama-free girl with a flipper?

What is a deal-breaker then, you might ask. For me, sometimes its mental.

If I was on a date and the girl was a serious 9/11 truther, I’m out. We reached the point in society where white people are more paranoid about the government than we are, and crazy white people are scaring me.

Look 9/11 happened because the entire government was on vacation the month before when all the intel was released about the attacks. Maybe everyone shouldn’t go on vacation at the same time if you run the most important country in the world.

There’s no conspiracy. The government is lumbering, its a series of understaffed fiefdoms. Sure we have the ability to monitor phone calls and use spy satellites but some government agencies and at least part of our nuclear arsenal are still using floppy discs. There is no Illuminati. We can’t get 30 billionaires in any sports league to co-operate, do you really think there’s a silent international conspiracy of governments?

If you gave me the choice of, say, someone with a bizarre form of Tourette’s syndrome…

or someone who really doesn’t believe that the President was born in this country…

I will work with the Tourette’s.

In the end, we all have stuff we cannot stand. But as we get older and wiser, hopefully we learn to evaluate people for who they are, and not for what they couldn’t control. There are not that many real dealbreakers out there.

Then again…

I'm weak. God, I'm weak.

I’m weak. God, I’m weak.

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