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Also dead...this franchise.

Also dead…this franchise.

My original review for Blade: Trinity was just two words: Purple Dracula.

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Apparently I have to write a real review and that’s hard. One of the most awful things about Blade:Trinity is that its a superhero movie where the lead is such a terrific jerk that he’s impossible to root for. David Goyer made the decision to have an underwritten Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds take the weight off of Wesley Snipes. (Unlike my partner, I have nothing against Ryan Reynolds. I think he’s the guy that they bring in when something is underwritten, hoping that his charm will make it work.)

And they fought purple Dracula. Dracula is unimpressive in every way that he could be. Dominic Purcell is the opposite of intimidating, and Dracula’s final form should have been fighting the Power Rangers.

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One thing that all these bad films had in common, is that they were not compelling. I didn’t care about anybody, and no one gave me a reason to. Every minute felt like three. Blade was just like that, it was a loud, stupid, dull movie and I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Aw hell. Purple Dracula.

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Just to be clear, I like Ryan Reynolds. I think he’s a very likeable screen personality who can play a tough guy with a sense of humour convincingly. Historically, if you see Ryan Reynolds in a comic book film, chances are it’s a train wreck. However, I am looking very forward to seeing him as Deadpool, because he absolutely killed in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Now that that’s done, let’s talk Superman IV: The Quest For Peace.
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The original Superman stands as one of the best comic book films ever made (You’ll have to see where it ranks when our Best of All Time list comes out), mostly because of Richard Donner. There was just one problem: The producers, Alexander and Illya Salkind, hated Richard Donner, and got rid of him as soon as they got a chance. Without him, we got Superman III, an uneven mess of a film that takes all of the weight away from the material, and replaces it with an unending stream of camp and silliness.

As bad as that film was, however, Superman IV makes it look like Citizen Kane.

After killing the goose that laid the golden egg, the Salkinds decided to sell the rights to Cannon Films, who in turn decided they could make the next chapter in a once epic franchise with the change that dropped from their pockets while paying for coffee. The result is one of the cheapest looking films I’ve ever seen that didn’t feature the words “From Outer Space” in the title.

Everyone involved with this film, from the writers on down to the late Christopher Reeve, knew they were in a stinker from day one. And they all phoned it in accordingly, with the exception of Margot Kidder, whose Lois Lane was still awesome.

And let’s talk Nuclear Man. Or better yet, let’s let him speak for himself :

I saw this film when I was 5 years old, and even then I thought Mark Pillow was the least convincing villian I’d ever seen in my life. He couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag, consistently confusing menacing with constipated, as if the two looks are interchangeable.

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BRING ME THE WOMAN!!! AND SOME FIBER!!!!

And how does he initially defeat Superman? By scratching him with his unkempt fingernails.

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Watch out Superman; this kitty’s got claws!

By the time we make it to the fight on the “Moon”, you’re so bored with the whole ordeal that no one gives a crap who wins.

Superman IV was so terrible that when Bryan Singer got his hands on the franchise, the first thing he did was to retcon both it and Superman III out of existence, albeit in a slightly dissapointing fashion. It would have been better for the genre, and indeed for humanity, if this cinematic stain had never existed in the first place.

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