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Jonah Hex is a heart-breaker.

The comic is one of the best Western comics produced, about a miserable, disfigured bounty hunter that always gets his man, and can’t be outgunned, but who is spurned by society and always gets the short end of the stick. Jonah Hex is not a typical comic about a likeable hero. Its about a hateful murderer who just barely does the right thing.

On paper, this movie is loaded for bear. Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex, which is perfect casting if I’ve ever seen it. John Malkovich is the villain, and we’ve certainly seen that work out before. Michael Fassbender, Wes Bentley  and Michael Shannon round out the cast of guys with dark hair that can really act.

My first misgiving before the movie was trying to figure out why anyone put Megan Fox in it. Its like designing a top of the line car, sparing no expense on the parts and components, and then not giving the thing brakes. This was their best option? There was no one else that was a draw, and could actually act?

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Meh apparently?

No. I guess.

No. I guess.

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I’m starting to think we didn’t think this out.

Okay we get it.

Okay we get it.

You really don't like Megan Fox, do you?

You really don’t like Megan Fox, do you?

Something horrible happened behind the scenes that made this an incoherent movie. For some reason, Michael Shannon is in the cast list, but appears in the movie for a half a second because all of his scenes were cut. Its a common thread, this whole movies is cut to ribbons which causes clumsy exposition to cover the missing parts. Hex gains the power to talk to the dead, but talking to the dead is like talking to your great-grandmother after dementia has hit, because the dead leave all the stuff you need to know out of the conversation.

I DID read the script. They just rewrote it ten times.

I DID read the script. They just rewrote it ten times.

The four credited screenwriters (which means God knows how many actual writers) try to combine the Weird Western with elements of steampunk. Steampunk Westerns haven’t worked yet, by the way. By the time its done, the actors look frustrated and overheated. Fassbender was so lost during the shoot, he decided to focus his performance around his hat because there was nothing else for him to do with the character.

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Back in 1994, 20th Century Fox faced a dilemma: They were about to lose the rights to the Fantastic Four, and had to produce a film before the time ran out. So, in a desperate and dickish attempt to retain the rights to the franchise, they created what was perhaps the worst adaptation of a comic ever made –  or they came damn close, considering they had no intention of ever actually releasing it. It has made it’s way online, so you can judge it for yourself, but it doesn’t make our list simply because it’s not a real movie.

Forget Comic-Con; these outfits would get you laughed out of a halloween party.

Forget Comic-Con; these outfits would get you laughed out of a halloween party.

One of the reasons I’m not particularly excited about the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot is because Fox as shown no real interest in making a good Fantastic Four film so far. They proved it in 2005 with the first film, which was ultimately mediocre, but not terrible. Then in 2007, they released Rise of the Silver Surfer, and despite the film boasting a budget of 130 million, it was 1994 all over again.

There were many sins committed by the 2005 film, and they were all recommitted here, from mediocre acting across the board to a goofy tone that undermined the power of the heroes. Even Julian McMahon, who was pretty good at portraying the smarmy, arrogant Dr. Doom in the first movie, was totally squandered here. But the greatest sin of them all was attributing the box-office success of the first film to audiences actually being invested in the relationship between Reed Richards and Sue Storm.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS!!!!

NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS!!!!

As a result, the film spends much of its time trying to get Invisible Woman and Mr Fantastic to the altar, and reducing the importance of the most powerful villain in the Marvel Universe.

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THIS!!!! THIS IS WHAT WE WANT!!!!!

Galactus is the devourer of planets, basically a god with limitless cosmic power. He’s a larger than life force, beyond good and evil. When Galactus comes to town, you don’t really defeat him; You either negotiate with him or hope he has indigestion that day.

As a side note: I love Thanos. Infinity Gauntlet is one of my favorite comics, and Infinity War is shaping up to be fantastic (sorry). But in the comics, Thanos serves Death, who is one of the celestials – of which Galactus is the oldest and most powerful.

And in Rise of the Silver Surfer, they turned him into a freaking space cloud.

COME ON, MAN!!!

COME ON, MAN!!!

Excuse me for a moment while I go to vomit into a bucket.

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