Oslo, Norway [AP] The world reels as the horror of suspect Anders Behring Breivik’s shooting spree is slowly uncovered, but police in Oslo were unable to make the press conference as they could not find a ride.

Downtown in Oslo a bomb rocked a government building killing seven and injuring fifteen. What no one could have anticipated is that the same perpetrator made his way to a youth camp and mercilessly slaughtered at least 85 people before being apprehended by the police. It is this detail that is nearly as troubling as the murders themselves.

The Associated Press reports that a SWAT team was dispatched to the island more than 50 minutes after shots fired were reported. They took a 20 minute drive to the lake because the emergency helicopter wasn’t on standby. They had trouble finding a boat, and when they did they overloaded it forcing them to return to shore and unpack, exhausting another 20 minutes to reach the crime scene several hundred yards offshore. Utoya Island is 24 miles (driving distance) away from the capital city of Oslo.

The alleged killer left behind a 1,500 page manifesto decrying the spread of Islam and political correctness. His motive seems apparent, as Utoya is an island owned by the youth wing of the liberal Labor Party. Many of the victims were children of immigrants from Africa and Asia.

All of these facts were gleaned from interviews with subjects, as Norwegian police never made it to the press conference.

“I left my keys in the house,” Johan Bjerke, Norweigen police spokesman said on condition of anonymity. “Then when I found them, I realized they were my wife’s keys, so I had to look again. When I found my keys, I realized my motorcar was out of petrol. Perhaps I should have taken the subway, but I got a gascan and filled the tank.”

“I just want to assure the people of Norway, that they are perfectly safe, as long as they do not need emergency services in a timely fashion. We have an efficient and effective system, and very soon it will be quite nearly as good on weekends.”

Experts indicate that the timely administration of emergency services is one of the most fundamental ways to measure whether a government provides for the needs of its citizens, as even America has seen incidents similar to this occur in urban areas. Time will reveal the full nature of Norway’s response in this matter.

The Story:

This never ran.

I can’t blame our editors, but at the same time it was dominating the news and it is difficult as a satirist to simply ignore something that everyone is talking about. And even when the first details were coming out I found them preposterous. There has to be some medium ground between our aggressive, militarized police and the disorganized response here.

So I tried to write something that wasn’t too much in poor taste, but that had a joke in it. I never got to see if it worked.

The Update:

Everybody is a thug until they go to prison. After the first year they complain about everything. Breivik has complained about everything thing from the quality of his writing pens to having a Playstation 2 instead of a Playstation 3.

Right now he is suing for being kept in isolation.




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