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Sabretooth – A fellow mutant member of the Weapon X program, Sabretooth is Wolverine’s foil who completely embraces his animal side, while Logan tries to supress it. He has all of Wolverine’s powers, but his strength, speed and agility are slightly higher partially because of the weight of Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton. In the right hands, Victor Creed has a lot of potential. In the X-Men Origins prequel, Sabretooth wasn’t the least bit intimidating, mostly because of the miscasting of Liev Schreiber.

The following is a transcript from two Fox executives sifting through a mountain of cocaine and bath salts.

Executive 1: You know we should do Wolverine vs Sabretooth, properly. I think people would love it.

Executive 2: Good idea.

Executive 1: And you know you would be great as Sabretooth?

Executive 2: Benicio Del Toro? Steve Austin? Josh Brolin? Keep Tyler Mane?

Executive 1: Liev Schreiber.

Executive 2: As who again?

Executive 1: As Sabretooth.

Executive 2: Was Ross from Friends unavailable or something? Ah whatever, pass those delicious bath salts.

 

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Emma Frost – Emma Frost is sexy, snarky, and incredibly powerful. The ‘White Queen’ of the Hellfire Club, Emma Frost embodies everything we dislike about WASPs, and her tremendous telepathic abilities give her dozens of ways to take out opponents. On a physical level she has a secondary mutation that makes her body diamond hard, with proportional strength. The Hellfire Club has tormented the X-Men for decades. What went wrong?

“[January Jones] has THREE mutant powers: Telepathy, Transformation to Solid Diamond and last but not least, Sucking at Acting” – Damon Lindelof

“-the worst part of Mad Men-” Gawker

“I don’t think you’re going to be good at this” – ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher.

“[January] Jones’ performance as the villainous Emma Frost is more the work of a costumed mannequin than a professionally trained actress” – Complex

“January Jones is the worst actress working today…X-Men proved any complexity in Betty Draper is all in the writing. Jones is just the pits” – The Data Lounge

Oh.

January Jones is unspeakably awful in her role. Perhaps she was trying to project a sort of jaded detachment, but instead it looks like a heroin addict asleep on their feet. The best actors draw your eye towards their part of the screen with their presence, I looked away from Jones when she was onscreen like she was a solar eclipse.

Jones did a couple more small films and then was banished to television, but it doesn’t seem like punishment enough.

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Doctor Doom –  A master of technology and sorcery, secretly trying to save his mother’s soul while dominating the world, Victor von Doom is a great character. A 100 great stories have been written about him, and a 100 more will be written, recently a comic book event concluded where Doom had the power to remake all of creation…and the first thing he did was take the Richards family and make them love him.

My God, that’s good writing. When Doom enters a room, you’re probably already beaten, you just have to wait to figure out how he did it. Doom should be a Darth Vader like figure of fear; instead they got the guy from Nip/Tuck.

Yikes.

But fine everybody makes mistakes, and they just needed another crack at it.

You know what? Maybe a different team will fix the problem.

Yeah. Just sell it back to Marvel guys.

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Apocalypse – a mutant born in Eygpt thousands of years ago and given vast power and technology from the Celestials, Apocalypse believes in survival of the fittest and tries to pit mutants against each other to find who should rule, after biologically altering them.

Apocalypse rarely directly intervenes in matters because it would become apparent that you can’t fight him and win. Director Bryan Singer decided to tone down this character to make him more relatable. Sadly this ended up making him look like a rejected Power Ranger villain, or a version of Count Chocula found dead of strangulation.

He also muted the impact of talented Oscar Isaac, who wasn’t able to give the memorable performance he needed.

In our final article, I sum up the last few entries with Curtis Brown of Geekanda a new fandom based on people that got REALLY excited about the Black Panther movie. These are the ones we couldn’t agree on.

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