ted 1

“Hello everyone! It’s the return of the NRA News Network (NNN), also known as the Nuh. I’m Ted Nugent. You might know me from my hit ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ and, well that’s it. You might also know me for really advocating guns and violence well after the Vietnam War was over, which I made damn sure I didn’t go to, because guns are not fun when people are shooting back at you.

I’m joined here by a very special guest, the Secretary of Education.”

bet 1

(long pause)

“Betsy, just read from the screen.”

“Hello. I’m Ted Nugent.”

bet 1

“Betsy, I’m Ted. You’re looking at the wrong thing.”

“Hello. I’m Betsy DeVos. And I’m here because Michele Bachmann couldn’t find the building.”

ted 2

“We put the wrong address in the GPS. Buys us precious time if the government decides to come after us. When we see them breach and clear that Taco Bell on the corner, we’ll know it’s on. Now Betsy, you’re a very accomplished woman.”

“Thank you, Ted.”

“You’re married to the former CEO of Amway, your brother founded Blackwater contractors, and you run Windquest Group…with your husband?”


“And you’re major investors in Neurocore, a biofeedback service…with your husband.”


“Looking at your history actually, I can’t find any accomplishments that you did on your own. I mean Michelle Obama came from a middle-class family went to Princeton, and then Harvard Law became a successful corporate lawyer, and director for a non-profit. You came from a rich family, went to private school and then a local college-”

bet 2

“Calvin College. My major was frigidity.”

ted 3

“Ha, ha! Good stuff. Well here at the NNN we’re back to offer you an alternative to the mainstream media’s lies. We have a lot of good stuff planned for you here, and I’d like to congratulate our new Professor in Defense Against Dark Arts, Alex Jones.

I’d also like to acknowledge that powerful moment in Charlottesville Virginia. To the marchers…even though I don’t agree with your position, which the producers are making me say, I support your right to speak freely underneath our First Amendment  and you should not be infringed in any way as long as you are peaceful.


I’d also like to condemn the March for our Lives protestors for their uninformed and non-Constitutional rhetoric. You can’t just say what you want, you know. Words have implications. I don’t feel like anyone is informed on the subject at all, and the whole thing was just very ugly.”

bet 3

“Children should be seen and not heard. Maybe not even seen.”

ted 4

That’s straight from the Secretary of Education folks! Catch you later on the Nuh!



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