(A delivery man appears.)

Deliveryman: I’ve got a package for Nimrata Randhawa! Is there an Nimrata Randhawa here?

Woman: It’s…Nikki Haley. My name is Nikki Haley now.


Advertiser: Has this ever happened to you? You want to be accepted by white people and turn your back on that pesky ethnic heritage, but little things just keep popping up and getting in the way? Well now there a new service just for you!

Wite-Out! Eliminate things like family heritage, bad credit, social media slipups at Freaknik and other things that remind white people that you’re not one of them!


“Hey! My name is Piyush Jindal, but you can call me Bobby! I’ve been pro healthcare most of my whole life, especially when my kid was born with a heart defect…but once we drafted legislation to actually help people I attacked it like an inbred pit bull. I did everything for white people to like me, even supported Trump, but once some people found out I had been raised as a Hindu, they kind of looked at me differently. That’s why I used Wite-Out and they got rid of some pesky pictures and the records from my first two years of college. Thanks Wite-Out!”


“Hello! My name is Michelle Maglalang, but I’m Michelle Malkin now! I’ve done everything for white people to like me, I’ve attacked women, the unemployed and immigrants. In fact, I defended Japanese internment during World War II even though both of my parents are Filipino, and my average fan doesn’t understand any difference between Asian countries. I’ve done everything for people to like me, but I still got exposed to so much racism I had to shut down comments on my own site for years. Wite-Out was great for me, monitoring my comment threads and lightening all my pictures at least 10%. Thanks Wite-out!”



U.S. Associate Justice Clarence Thomas poses for an official picture with other justices at the U.S Supreme Court in Washington

Narrator: We can’t get him to talk. He’s hopeless. Cut the feed.


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