This is Honest Chris over at Foster Hardware. We’re coming up on the Easter holiday, the time of year where we celebrate the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior for our sins and his triumph over Death itself, and what better way to commemorate this than to sell stuff at a discount?

Our Jesus suffered for days nailed to a giant piece of wood…and we’re selling those same sixteen penny nails for thirty dollars a box.

We have a sale across the board on all ammunition. The government is trying to take away the only right that really matters, so get as many supplies as you  can while they last. Remember, as good Christians, we believe that God created everything, the heavens, the earth, the animals and ourselves. What better way to show appreciation for his work than blowing holes in it and killing it?

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We got a new stock of freshly inspected MREs good until 2027 because you never know when you will be stuck in a Federal Bird Sanctuary, or be trapped in your bunker during nuclear apocalypse.  Since the half-life of some of those weapons is 20,000 years of toxic irradiation you might want to make you have a diverse supply of food…and a really large septic tank.

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Really the first 10,000 years are the hardest.

For our stores in Puerto Rico, we have sent an extra shipment of generators, water filters and other supplies to your island, because if we can’t make money off of you, we are never, ever going to fix anything.

Come on in to Foster Hardware! Where everyone is welcome! Well mostly. You know what I’m talking about.

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