Do you want me to say it?

Fine.

I do not remember my password.

I asked you what it was and you sent me a link to reset my password, but you put so many conditions on the new password I have no chance of remembering that one either. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t break free from and between my job and my personal life I have a list of roughly eighty passwords that get increasingly obscure as I scroll down the list.

You ask me questions to help remember my password.

I don’t remember those questions either, because the answers are complicated. Who was my first girlfriend? Was it the girl in first grade, and we decided we were dating and we held hands a couple times before I realized I had no idea what to do with her? Well, I used her name once, spelled it wrong and now I can’t get into my old Photobucket account.

I wanted to look at my old Myspace account for a laugh. It would literally be easier to rob a bank by boring a hole through the building next door Rififi-style than to access your old Myspace account if you haven’t been on it in a while.

I hate this whole act we’re doing, like my information is so safe and secure and you’re doing everything to protect it, when once a week some company that secretly collects my information gets hacked and you have to have a press conference to explain why some guy in Russia now knows I like feet and lost two grand enrolling in Warrior University. (Yes the Ultimate Warrior tried to open his own college.)

Look, as it turns out Facebook has been collecting all of my phone calls, and mapping my face and selling my data, which explains why I type two words and Google knows that I want the name of the guy that held the boom mike in Curse of the Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh . Everyone in the room has access to my information…except for me.

It has not been lost to me that every mass shooting in the last ten years has some variation of the exact same weapon and both private industry and the government are gripped with Hamlet-like indecision about what to do, but the moment one idiot hacked the Playstation network everyone came in Gorilla pimp style and I can’t download a game without submitting a retinal scan and a vial of blood.

Right now I don’t know my Apple ID.

Every app I have updates roughly every three seconds and for some reason my iphone wants me to log in each time that happens. I am not doing it, because on top of their cumbersome process I can’t use my last twenty passwords. And if I email them, they want me to reset the password they won’t give me the old one.

I do not remember my password.

Just give it to me.

 

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