Our players are: Tom 1 (me… I think?), Tom A, and R-Sonthe Voice of Reason fresh off of a West Coast tour with Gangstagrass.
Tom 1: Okay, R-Son and I started one of the funniest conversations I’ve had in a while, rappers that we think have actually killed people. He brings up a great point. Freddie Foxxx has absolutely killed someone, and it probably was by accident.
R-Son: I’m also putting M.O.P. on that list.
Tom 1: Forgot about them, but yes. I think Jay didn’t push them, mostly because he was terrified.
Like they were bouncing around in the studio screaming, and he was on the other side of the glass with a neck kerchief looking horrified.
Sink me! I believe those men to be ruffians! We must away, Beyonce my dearest!
Tom A: G-Dep killed a guy, but I suppose that doesn’t count.
Tom 1: Rah Digga?
Tom A: I wondered what happened to Young Zee.
Tom 1: Rah Digga sounds like the only lady bouncer at a busy club. Like you know she’s there for a reason.
Please let there be no sex in the Champagne room.
My sleeper pick? Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Tom 1: He’s like all the deadly guys I know: Locked up, selling 100,000 out his trunk (real hustle). Talking about love and feelings with no bluster. Those are the guys that can flick that scary switch.
Tom A: If we’re talking females, my Number 1 draft pick: Remy Ma. She was involved in a shooting already, and once tried to break Papoose out of jail with a damn nail file.
I’d pin a rap on her as a triggerman, wheelman, safecracker and any other crime you can think of, sans embezzlement.
Tom 1: What about Left Eye Lopes? We know she had a wee bit of trouble with impulse control.
Tom A: Arson, yes. Murder, no. (RIP)
R-Son: Yeah, but Left Eye was some Baby Daddy stuff. If she was that rugged, he’d have just gotten shot.
Tom 1: Yeah, but no one thinks of arson as your first violent act. When you get mad, you want to hit someone or shoot them. It’s people that are violent all the time that get crazy.
Like, “I shot 5 people just this week. For once, can I just burn someone’s house down? I’ve got to work smarter, not harder.”
Tom A: Or she would have went the Al Green wife/mistress route and poured hot grits on him in the bathtub.
Tom 1: You know that women in this generation don’t cook. Only people getting grease or grits thrown on them are dating Mexicans.
“I can’t believe this chick tried to throw some pinto beans on me, son!”
Tom A: I’m gonna go with a surprise pick: Bow Wow. Imagine if you will: One too many guys call him soft or a novelty, and BAM! Runs someone over with his Lambo. Calls in Jermaine Dupri and Snoop to dispose of the body, and now lives in seclusion for fear the secret comes out.
I’ll amend JD & Snoop for Slim and Baby in that scenario, as they seem like the kinda guys who know how to erase a body. Look in Slim’s eyes: You just know he owns a pig farm.
Tom 1: Vehicular accident. Didn’t think of it.
I left off UGK, Scarface, and maybe Ice-T. He was a pimp for a couple years, so maybe there’s a dead hooker in there somewhere.
Tom A: Who said anything about an accident?
Tom 1: I heard rumors about Gangstagrass.
R-Son: Gangstagrass, no question…
Tom A: We have to move across the pond to some of the London grime rappers. Gun control means they have to stab.
Tom 1: I guess its not fair to mention Crazy Titch, right?
Tom A: Yeah. Dizzee Rascal’s also out.
Wait…. Dizzee Rascal’s in!
Anyone associated with Suge Knight post- Dre, with the exception of Suge “Glass Joe” Knight.
What a pushover!
Tom 1: Dizzee Rascal is out. He’s making songs with Calvin Harris. No killer is doing that.
Also, I still count Suge. Its Ken Shamrock syndrome, a lot of shots to the head over the years, but still a dangerous guy to the average human being.
Ken Shamrock, isn’t a rapper, right?
Tom A: I don’t know, He was talking in Mother Goose Rhymes after Tito Ortiz was finished with him.
But I digress: I’m gonna say Baby Williams, though Slim is more likely the trigger man. That guy’s eyes scare the shit outta me.
Tom A: Good luck sleeping tonight.
Tom 1: Wow. He’s got that Bill Duke thing going on.
Tom A: Who said Candyman in the mirror 5 times?
Tom 1: Sweet Jesus that guy is rough. I just looked down at myself and I’m holding out my lunch money.
Tom A: Moving on: Rick Ross, from his CO days a la Shawshank Redemption.
Tom 1: Call me Officer Ricky! Call me Officer Ricky!
Tom A: Not really a rapper, but there’s something unsettling about Chris Brown. Not saying he ever beat anyone to death, just saying maybe.
Tom 1: Chris Brown is proof that America is racist. If he had beaten Carrie Underwood, his career would have been done forever. As it stands now, he almost got street cred off of it.
My life is worth at least three Rihannas!
Tom A: True.
Tom 1: Maybe Biggie? Likely, Kool G Rap?
Tom A: I’d say Kool G Rap before Biggie, but I think we left off the Heavyweight champs: Shyne and Jay.
R-Son: G Rap maybe. Biggie, I doubt it.
Tom 1: Jay isn’t touching anybody. Shyne, yeah.
Tom A: Whaaaaaaaaaaa? Jay stabbed Un. And said “You broke my heart” before he did it. Corleone style.
Tom 1: ODB. And then he took the family for a cruise and paid for a kid to go to college. And then he bought them a tiger. And then he came over their house and ate it.
Tom A: I think we have a winner. (RIP)
Tom 1: Don’t know if Jay stabbed Un as Nas pointed out brilliantly. You want to talk about murder. “Ether” was murder.