With Iowa in the news for bungling the Democratic caucus despite having 52 years to get the process right, I got the itch to play the State Swap game again. The concept of the game is to take a fairly useless state and swap it out for a country roughly the same size. Now there are some slam dunks on the way (Mississippi? Alabama?) but after I did the research Iowa is a tough case. I really waffled on this.
Iowa has produced some famous people. Legendary B-movie producer Samuel Z. Arkoff who invented the summer season for movies, cowboy Buffalo Bill Cody, mystery writer Max Allen Collins, NFL players Roger Craig, Kurt Warner, Marshal Yanda and a ton of bench players, businessman W. Edwards Deming, actors Jason Momoa, Cloris Leachman, Elijah Wood and Ashton Kutcher, TWO Supermen (George Reeves and Brandon Routh), President Herbert Hoover, Admiral Harry Yarnell (who warned about the Pearl Harbor attack over a decade prior) and a guy that hiccuped for 68 years straight.
At this point I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to swap them out, even once I saw Michele Bachmann and Stephen Collins on the list of people from Iowa.
Yeah. We’re doing this.
John Wayne was a giant dick and you can guarantee when a guy really likes John Wayne, he’s going to be a giant dick to you. He was a hero to every bellicose, old-school white guy who thinks that any problem can be solved with a really slow, awkward punch.
A bit of history. Iowa was formed, like most of the Midwest, by making contact with hospitable natives, throwing them off of their land, naming everything after them and then claiming your one/sixteenth Sioux heritage two hundred years after it matters.
I don’t want to be unfair. Iowa fought for the North in the Civil War and championed women’s suffrage very early in our country’s history. There was a rush of immigration starting in the mid-1800’s, and areas like Dubuque became heavily Germanic. Other areas accepted large amounts of Scandinavians, which may explain why currently 90.6% of people in Iowa are white, 52% are Protestant and 94% speak English, which means it’s about as diverse as a sheet of paper.
70% of Iowa residents were born in Iowa, because they belong to this hellish section of the country where you live and die in the same spot, rooted to the ground like a tomato plant.
Iowa has low reliance on Federal funds, has the highest high school graduation rate in the country, and below national average unemployment, so OF COURSE they rocked the boat and gave Donald Trump a 15 point victory because they were worried about Muslims and other people getting social services.
Iowa has Steve King.
Steve King is worried about the plummeting white birth rate which will roll back the progress of civilization because immigrants are just hauling drugs across the border. He defends the idea of rape, and doesn’t understand why white nationalism is a bad idea. This is not even the worst stuff he’s ever said, just the most recent.
Steve King has been re-elected nine times, mostly by people in the Des Moines suburbs, because if Charlottesville has taught us anything its that the suburbs have produced more Nazis than Dusseldorf ever did.
The governor, Kim Reynolds, defended King as her campaign co-chair until the minute she got elected, after which she dumped him unceremoniously.
A master at talking in circles, Reynolds bragged that she moved the Supreme Court from ‘left to right’ but later claimed she didn’t ask or look up her candidates political affiliations, which means she wouldn’t know if her judges actually moved from left to right. Huh?
Despite her 2 DUI’s (the records are now hidden from the public) Reynolds shot down revisions in the state marijuana laws, because she was concerned about the potential increase in potency. Wouldn’t want people driving impaired now would we?
What exactly do they supply us that is utterly unique to Iowa? Their number one export is corn, the rest is an assortment of pork parts, soybeans and tractor supplies. Where oh where are we going to get front end shovel loaders without Iowa?
Seriously, we’ve got plenty of corn. We’ve got so much corn that we pay farmers not to sell it. We’ve got so much corn we put in our gasoline and can’t get rid of it. We made it into high-fructose syrup and ate it until our bodies literally rejected the stuff, like the black member of the Royal Family. You would have to clone Booker T. Washington and raise him in the Midwest to come up with ways to get rid of the corn we already have.
So now we come to the caucus. So here’s an article explaining how the Iowa caucuses are jacked up and how convoluted the process is. Oh wait this is from 2016.
The Iowa caucus was a flawed idea from the beginning. After a bad 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago, Jimmy Carter made the Hawkeye state the first real campaign of the season and it sort of stuck. The stated aim, as Time Magazine once put it, “reduce back-room manipulation by bosses, broaden grass-roots participation and produce delegations…that more adequately represent women, blacks and the young —and the preferences of the voters.”
That’s right…to get more diverse, the Democrats went to Iowa.
The upside of the process is supposed to be that locals get to meet candidates up close. “People who go to the caucuses have really done some homework,” said Molly Tedesco, 72, a substitute teacher from Johnston who showed up on a snowy night to catch a Marco Rubio town hall.
So here’s a lady who didn’t know that Pete Buttigieg was gay. Both the Romans and the founding fathers didn’t believe the average person was informed enough, and I got to tell you, when I watch this video, they might have been on to something.
So here are some options:
Croatia has a diverse climate and patches of absurd beauty. It has a growing economy, exports of machinery and oil, and a tourism industry because it has more to offer than corn. Nikola Tesla came from Croatia and there is a laundry list of intense (or perhaps near-sighted) scientists and artists. We would swap out Iowa’s deep bench of anonymous NFL players for Croatia’s herd of no-name NBA players. They’ve got beaches, underrated wine, Roman ruins, hidden coves and picturesque roads.
Nepal has Mount Everest, the spot where rich and upper middle -class people spend their money to prove their manhood instead of helping the poor or doing something charitable. But it’s not defined only by harsh mountains, it’s diverse in every way a country can be physically varied. In terms of famous people…Buddha came from Nepal. That’s right, the founder of a religion that millions of tiresome rich people have gotten dreadfully wrong came from here. Their exports are mostly things that are resold to you at a higher price, like clothes, carpets, beverages and…um…more clothes. Your dollar would stretch a lot further if they were a state.
We’ll post a vote on Twitter! Keep Iowa, take Croatia, or take Nepal!